Stupid Stinky Gerbil

I am a beautiful and wonderful cat,

No other animal compares to me.

Everyone in my house knows that.

It’s so clear to see.

Other animals wish they were me.

I am the queen of this kingdom

And I vanquish all my foes,

The rodents that used to trespass my domain

Are all dead and gone, as everyone knows.

And now what I say goes.

I get all the attention

I get all the catnip and treats

I get all the pets and scratches

I get all the best spots on cozy seats.

I get everything, my life’s complete.

But one day, while I dream away

Laying in a warm sun spot

An enemy invades my kingdom.

I wake up and see what the humans brought.

I am disgusted by what they bought.

The humans call it an “adorable gerbil.”

But it’s obviously a rodent, can’t you see?

Rodents are our sworn enemy.

What is this insanity?

What have you humans done to me?

Now those silly children who used to serve me

Try playing Wordle with the stupid gerbil.

Those children would be better off

Playing Wordle with a silly turtle

Not a stupid simple arrogant gerbil.

Every time I see them playing Wordle, I get a migraine.

Everyone with a brain cell knows stupid gerbils 

Can’t read or write or spell.

Can’t they tell?

So the idea of playing Wordle with a gerbil is insane!

Could someone please make a tiny dunce cap 

For a stupid stinky gerbil?!

One that will fit his tiny head, which homes his tiny brain.

Then the children will stop wasting time playing Wordle with a gerbil,

And they can finally grow some brain cells and become less inane.

Because of that gerbil’s black and white fur

They foolishly named him Cow.

The children offer me treats, 

But I refuse to eat

Because they’re hands are covered in gerbil germs now.

It’s been a week now since the gerbil came,

And it’s been way too long.

I slink over to the cage to glare at him again

But something is wrong.

To my surprise, that stupid stinky gerbil is gone!

Where did he go?

The door of the cage is left ajar.

Did he run away?

And if so, how far?

Did he run outside and get run over by a car?

Or maybe, just maybe,

The stinky gerbil died while I was sleeping.

And while I dreamed of killing him,

I didn’t hear the children weeping

For the stupid stinky gerbil they were keeping.

And in the dead of night

They put the rodent in a coffin to discard.

Then they went out, beneath the moon and stars

And buried the lifeless gerbil in the backyard.

In the big backyard.

For the first time in seven days

I feel a tiny bit of glee.

Now I was the only ruler

Of this whole family.

Yes, the only ruler was me!

“Squeak!”

What?! Just when I thought I could finally be at peace,

That stupid stinky gerbil shows his face.

And after looking much more carefully

I can see he made a mess of my space.

What has he done to this place?

He has nibbled on the wooden coffee table leg.

Only I could do that when I was in the mood!

And to add insult to injury

He is helping himself to my delicious food!

How positively rude!

But then I see his teeth marks on a potted plant.

The teeth marks were unbearably tiny.

I am filled with a pure unadulterated furry.

The only one who can nibble on plants is me!

The audacity!

The audacity of that stupid stinky gerbil

To scurry around in my domain!

He is acting as if I don’t even exist

Is this stupid stinky gerbil insane?!

But this was not the end of my pain.

For the stupid stinky gerbil was not house trained,

I guess he thought cleanliness was for the birds.

For that stinky, one-brain celled gerbil left “gifts.”

Imagine my disgust! I am at a lost for words

For I see that my kitty bed is littered with turds!

My rage consumes me.

I get in my hunting pose.

Today I reign supreme again

Today, that stupid stinky fat gerbil goes!

The gerbil runs because he knows

How much I hate him so!

“For the sake of the chase

I will give you a head start.

After all, I want to have funsies

Before I tear you apart!”

Hunting is a work of art

Stupid, stinky gerbil, I loathe you with all my heart!

I run after that pathetic rodent

He tries to hide from me.

I can smell his fear

As he tries to flee

And I’m filled with glee!

To think that stupid stinky foolish gerbil

Decided to leave the safety of his cage.

He thought he could survive out here

But no rodent survives my rage.

You should’ve stayed in your cage!

“I bet you realize now

That you’re way over your head.”

The stupid stinky gerbil runs into a bedroom,

Ignoring what I said.

Stupid idiot gerbil, I’m seeing red!

The stupid stinky gerbil

Darts and hides right under the bed.

And when go after him, 

He runs to a corner instead.

Stupid, dumb, single-celled brained gerbil, you are so dead!

I have you where I want you

You are alone and beaten.

My subjects are out of the house,

They can’t save you, cretin!

Stupid stinky gerbil, you are about to get eaten!

The front door creaks opens,

Footsteps sound in the hallways.

The stupid stinky gerbil sees I’m distracted

And makes his getaway

He runs out the doorway.

I prepare to chase him again

But I stop myself from going feral.

The humans will kick me out if they know

I’m trying to eat the stupid stinky gerbil.

Why must I face such hurdles, 

Like humans stopping me from eating gerbils?!

I jump on the bed and curl up

To pretend I am taking a nap.

My only comfort now

Is that all those two-legged saps

Will have to clean up all the gerbil’s–

“AAAAAH!” a girl screams.

I jump and rush to the living room

I’m filled with glee once again

For the gerbil has met his doom!

He is lying in the corner next to a broom.

I don’t know how he died.

Maybe the chase gave him such a fright

That the stupid stinking gerbil

Had a heart attack and saw the light.

Maybe that’s right.

I don’t know how his fate found him

But I honestly don’t care!

While the children are crying

I simply sit by and stare

As the father cleans up the rodent that lay there.

Tonight I will sleep peacefully.

The parents say they’re not ready for such responsibility.

They won’t be getting any more rodents as pets.

Now they will serve me with more humility.

My crown is restored, and they will treat me like royalty.

Goodbye stupid stinky gerbil,

You won’t be missed by me!

Now that you are dead and gone

I am finally happy and free!

As everyone in this household can see, 

I am the queen, and no one reigns but me!