Mediocre Man

Mediocre Man swerved around slow cars as he hurried to the tallest tower in Nantucket City. He had one hand on the wheel and another on his phone. All the while, he felt like he was forgetting something. “I’d love to help you out more with your math, but I gotta go, Suzy. Ask your mom to help you. Bye!” Mediocre Man hung up the phone and screeched his blue Mediocre Mobile to a stop.

Several police cars flashing their lights were sitting outside Nantucket Tower. Policemen stood gawking at the roof while Chief Powel, a heavily built man, shouted through a megaphone.

“We won’t tell you again! Surrender or there will be consequences!” Chief Powell said.

Mediocre Man glanced at himself in his rearview mirror. No, it wasn’t his blue mask he had forgotten. He mentally ticked off a list of items. Blue mask, blue jeans, blue cape, a blue shirt with a big yellow M emblazoned on it, wristwatch—nope, he had everything. He jumped out of the car and ran to the scene.

Chief Powell lowered his megaphone. “Mediocre Man! Thank goodness you’re here. Dr. D is about to shoot the town with his evil looking ray!”

“Oh no! Does he have any hostages?”

“Not that we know of.”

“So why haven’t you guys gone up there to stop him?”

Chief Powell hesitated. “We were. But then we figured you could do the job better, and—”

“You guys are afraid of his contraptions, aren’t you?”

“What? No! No…okay yeah. So sue me. You’ll have to fly up there and stop him.”

Mediocre Man glanced at his feet. He had on tennis shoes. His black ones. He frowned. “Rocket boots.”

“Pardon?”

“My rocket boots. That’s what I forgot. I’m gonna have to take the elevator.”

“What?!”

“Don’t worry, I will stop Dr. D!”

“But Mediocre Man, the elevator’s—”

Mediocre man rushed into the building and ran to the elevator.

The elevator was shut down for repairs.

“Dang it! I’m gonna have to take the stairs.” Mediocre Man ran to the door that led to the stairs. He burst through it and stopped in his tracks. There were forty flights of spiraling stairs! “Good, grief.”

Mediocre Man ran up the stairs at fast as he could. By the time he had made it to the tower’s roof, he was puffing and panting, his red face dripping with sweat. He felt like he would pass out.

Dr. D, who had been working on the final adjustments to his ray, spun his wheelchair around. He smirked and steepled his hands. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mediocre Man. Forgot your rocket boots again?”

“I’m going…to stop…your ray…fiend,” Mediocre Man gasped between breaths.

“You’re too late, Mediocre Man. After years of being bullied at school for being wheelchair bound, I shall finally have my revenge! Soon, I will shoot the whole city with my Paralyzing Ray, which will paralyze everyone from the waist down. Then everyone shall know the pain of being disabled like me!”

Mediocre Man stood up and wiped his brow. “Not today, Dr. Dumbbell! I shall stop your reign of terror!”

“Really? Tell me Mediocre Man, did you ever wonder how I managed to get up here?” Dr. D pulled out a remote from his pocket and pressed a button.

Two large robots with jetpacks landed in front of Mediocre Man. Their robot arms transformed into laser blasters. “Cease and desist!” they shouted. “Cease and desist!” They started shooting at him.

Mediocre Man pressed the button on his wristwatch and activated his blue shield…except the shield wasn’t blue. It was pink. With a Hello Kitty design on it. Mediocre Man stared at the shield as the laser blasts deflected off of it. “What the—dang it, Suzy! I told you not to mess with my tech!”

Dr. D pointed at the shield and laughed. “Oh, Mediocre Man, you are the quintessence of comedy!” He turned back to his machine. “Let’s see…” he twirled his mustache, “who shall be the first test subjects? Ooh! I know.” He adjusted the ray so that it pointed right at the police officers below. “Let’s try it on those cowardly cops down there.” He pressed the start button.

The ray made a high-pitched noise as it began to charge up for its first shot. “Initiating in twenty—thirty seconds.”

Dr. D groaned. “Seriously? Don’t tell me the Wi-Fi is slow up here.” He tapped at the small screen that showed the seconds. “Stupid count downs.”

Mediocre Man knew he had to hurry. He had to save the citizens! An idea came to him. He angled his shield towards the Paralyzing Ray, deflecting two laser blasts straight at it.

The laser blasts hit the ray just below the screen. The ray made a strange whirring sound, and the screen started to fritz.

“No!” Dr. D shouted. “My invention!”

Mediocre Man deflected the other laser blasts back at the robots, causing sparks to fly.

“Error! Error!” The robots said. They collapsed to the ground and exploded, their parts scattering across the floor.

Mediocre Man smiled as Dr. D pulled at his hair as he looked at his machine. “Who’s the quintessence of comedy now?”

Dr. D glared at him. “You’ll pay for ruining my invention! You’ll—”

“Initiating in five seconds,” the ray said.

Mediocre Man’s eyes widened. “What?!”

Dr. D looked at the machine in amazement. “Really?”

The ray counted down. “Five, four—”

Mediocre Man rushed to the Paralyzing Ray.

“Three, two—”

He pushed Dr. D aside so hard, he fell out of his wheelchair. “NOOOOO!”

“One.” A blast of green light shot out of the ray.

A cry went out below. “My legs! I can’t feel my legs!”

Mediocre Man looked over the edge of the tower. All the officers were in the ground unable to move.

Dr. D laughed as he lay on his backside. “I did it! Well, partially anyway.”

Mediocre Man gave him a look and walked over to the ray. He looked at the buttons and switches and muttered to himself.

“Aw, don’t beat yourself up too badly, Mediocre Man. Even the greatest, or mediocre, of superheroes lose to their nemesis from time to time. I’m sure you’ll get over—”

“Aha! The reverse switch!”

“W-what?!”

Mediocre Man pointed to a small switch with the word “Reverse” below it. “You always have a reverse switch on your inventions.”

“Curses! You weren’t supposed to find that!”

Mediocre Man flipped the switch and shot the police officers below with the ray. He looked down and saw that all of them were back on their feet again. He sighed. “That was close.”

Suddenly, the machine started blaring. “System malfunction. Overheating. Shutting—” the machine cut off and black smoke came out of the ray’s nozzle.

Dr. D scowled at Mediocre Man. “You meddlesome moron! I shall have my revenge some day! Next time, I’ll make another Paralyzing Ray without a reverse switch. Then no one can stop me!”

Mediocre Man thought for a moment. “Wait…you made a Paralyzing Ray…with a reverse switch?”

“Yes, yes, I know! I always make a reverse switch for my inventions. No need to rub it in.”

“No, I mean…You’re in a wheelchair, and you created a Paralyzing Ray that can reverse the effects?”

“Yes.”

Mediocre Man stared at him in disbelief. “You—” he paused and rubbed his temple. “You made a Paralyzing Ray with a reverse switch.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re wheelchair bound.”

“Yes, we’ve already established that. So what’s your point?!”

Mediocre Man looked at him like he was an idiot.

After one full minute, Dr. D said, “Oh! You’re saying I could have…oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Perhaps I didn’t think this through.”

“Ya don’t say.”

“I suppose you’re going to take me to jail now?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. I just have one question.”

“And what question would that be?”

“How are you going to get us down?”

Mediocre Man blinked. He hadn’t really thought of that. He pulled out his phone and called the Chief. “Hey, chief. Yeah, I got him. But I need a lift. Uh, huh. A helicopter would be great! It won’t be ready until half an hour?! Alright…bye.” He hung up the phone.

Several seconds went by.

“Can you put me back in my wheelchair?” Dr. D asked.

Mediocre Man sighed. This was gonna be a long wait.