Mediocre Man and the Un-Paralyzing Ray

Mediocre Man stood in front of one of many large storage units in a big lot. These storage units were made to contain villains’ horrible contraptions until they could be properly destroyed. This particular storage unit contained Dr. D’s items. His stuff was supposed to be obliterated weeks ago, but somehow someway, Dr. D’s attorney was able to convince Judge Owensby to lighten Dr. D’s sentence in exchange for creating an Un-Paralyzing Ray. This ray would heal all people suffering paralysis with a zap. The judge had agreed, and he had also agreed to let Dr. D be the first to use it. There was one reason for this: to make sure that the ray actually worked and didn’t kill anyone.

Mediocre Man looked at his wristwatch. 8:25 AM. Almost a half hour late. Odd, Mediocre Man thought. Carlson is always punctual. Mediocre Man had called Carlson, Dr. D’s parole officer, a few minutes ago, but he never answered the phone. He was about to call Chief Powell when a police cruiser came rolling down the pavement and parked right in front of the storage unit.

An officer came out of the driver side and walked to the passenger side to help Dr. D get out of the car and into his wheelchair. After he got him out, he wheeled Dr. D closer to the storage unit’s big metal doors, which, of course, were locked tight.

Dr. D wore a lab coat and black pants and had a metal tracker on his left ankle. The tracker was a new model, made to cover ten times its normal distance. If a criminal tried to escape anywhere with that thing, they’d be caught no matter what. Dr. D smirked at him. “Well, well, if it isn’t Mediocre Man. Come to witness my genius be unveiled for the world to see once more?”

Mediocre Man couldn’t believe this guy. He acted like he was scot-free. He pointed to the tracker. “I see you’ve gotten a chance to test some new technology.”

“Har, har.” Dr. D glanced at his tracker. “Yes, it is not the most flattering gear for a genius scientist such as myself. But the judge refused to let me go anywhere without it.”

Mediocre Man looked up at the officer. “And who might you be?”

Dr. D glanced at the officer and frowned. “Oh, him? That’s my new babysitter.”

“Parole officer,” the man said. He walked over to Mediocre Man and shook his hand. “I’m Officer Michael Davis. Sorry I’m late. There were some last-minute arrangements. I’ll be keeping an eye on Dr. D while he does some good service for his community. For once.”

“Nice to meet you.” Mediocre Man said. Michael was a foot taller than him, had brown hair, and had light skin.

Dr. D waved a hand. “Yes, yes, helping the community and pleasantries and all that good stuff. Now, if you don’t mind, we must find my tools in this…charming establishment.”

Officer Michael shook his head, then walked up to the storage’s keypad and pressed the numbers 1268. The light on the keypad turned green and the large metal doors creaked open. The storage was dark at first, but bright white lights soon turned on.

The trio went inside. Gadgets sat atop shelves and large canisters of chemicals with hazard signs on them sat in the farthest corners of the room. Mechanical parts, wires, tools, and blueprints sat in tubs marked with permanent markers. Machines covered with tarps that had collected dust sat in the very center of the room.

Dr. D looked at the shelves for the items he needed while muttering to himself about how sloppy the people had been with organizing and cleaning his precious items.

Mediocre Man turned to Officer Michael. “You mentioned last minute arrangements. Judge Owensby told me Carlson would be the one watching Dr. D. What happened?”

Michael frowned. “Carlson said he had a family emergency. So, I agreed to take over for him.”

That was odd. Judge Owensby was usually strict about his conditions, and he had made it very plain that he wanted Carlson to keep an eye on Dr. D, since he was one of the few parole officers he trusted with the task. But before he could ask anymore questions about why the judge was being so unusually lenient, Dr. D gave a cry of triumph.

“I’ve found my ray, along with my old blueprints!” Dr. D said.

Michael and Mediocre Man walked over to Dr. D, who was in the center of the room fiddling with his Paralyzing Ray and looking over his blueprints.

After a few minutes of this, he waved them to come closer and showed them a blueprint displaying a cylindrical piece. “I can easily fix the fried wiring in the ray, but if it is going to work, I will need some glutonium.”

Mediocre Man raised an eyebrow. “Glutonium?”

“A sap I was able to harvest from the Glutonia trees I discovered on a remote island. I did have canisters of the sap available—” he pointed to five canisters on one of the shelves “—but some buffoon failed to store them properly. You see, once the sap has been left out for over a week, it spoils and is rendered useless.”

Mediocre Man looked at him dubiously. “So, you’re saying we have to go to a remote island to get some tree sap we’ve never heard of until now?”

“No. I am saying that we must go to one of my secret bases and retrieve my other stash of glutonium sap.”

“But the police already cleared out your hidden base,” Michael said.

“They cleared out one of them. Not all. I have many secret bases of which you do not know of.”

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Michael asked.

Dr. D shrugged. “You don’t. You have no obligation to trust me. In fact, why don’t you cart me back to jail right now, and see how many disabled people get healed of their ailments?”

Michael turned to Mediocre Man.

Mediocre Man sighed. “We could at least check it out, see if his claims hold water.”

“That’s the spirit!” Dr. D said. He clapped him on the back. He wheeled himself back towards the doors. “Once we retrieve the glutonium, I shall turn my Paralyzing Ray into an Un-Paralyzing Ray, as requested.”

Mediocre Man groaned and rubbed at the spot where Dr. D had hit him. He hadn’t realized Dr. D was that strong.

“Are you sure about this?” Michael asked. “Dr. D isn’t known for keeping his promises.”

Mediocre Man shrugged. “He’ll be given a shorter prison sentence and the chance to reverse his disability in exchange for creating an Un-Paralyzing Ray for all disabled people in Nantucket City. He probably won’t betray us with so much at stake…I hope.”

***

Mediocre Man, Michael, and Dr. D stood in front of an abandoned mill. It looked like it was haunted.

“This is your secret base?” Michael asked.

“Not at all.” Dr. D said. “My base is hidden beneath the mill. Follow me.” He wheeled himself towards the doorway, which looked like it would collapse any second.

Michael started to follow him, but stopped to look at Mediocre Man. “Coming?”

“In a second. I’ve got a make a call to Chief Powell in case things go south.”

“Good idea.” Michael went into the mill to catch up with Dr. D.

Mediocre Man called Chief Powell. “Hi, Chief. Mediocre Man here.”

“Oh, no. Has Dr. D caused problems?”

“Not yet. He’s taking us to a secret base of his. It’s hidden beneath the old mill by Bilbo Road. He says the stuff he needs to build the Un-Paralyzing ray is inside. If I don’t call you back in twenty minutes, assume the worst.”

“Got it. I’ll have my officers be there within seconds if need be.”

“Great.” Mediocre Man paused. “Have you heard from Carlson?”

“No. All I heard was that he had a family emergency. I’m still wondering what happened. From what I could tell, all of his relatives were healthy, and no one got in an accident or anything.”

Mediocre Man frowned. Carlson and Chief Powell were longtime friends. It seemed odd that Carlson wouldn’t be the one to tell him about what had happened. “Something doesn’t seem right.”

“I know. So who’s in charge of babysitting Dr. D?”

“Officer Michael Davis.”

“Never heard of him.”

“He said he was a friend of Carlson.”

“That’s weird. Carlson never told me about him.”

“He hasn’t?”

“Not that I recall. Then again, there are a lot of Michaels. Maybe I forgot. Anyway, I’ll check on Carlson, make sure he’s okay. Call if you need anything.”

Mediocre Man said bye and hung up, feeling a little better knowing that the Chief would have his back for when things would inevitably go awry. He ran into the old mill, worried the creaking floorboards would shatter beneath him. He found Michael and Dr. D standing in front of two wooden doors that had nine metal buttons in the center. The doors had no doorknob.

Dr. D rubbed his chin. “What was the password? Ah, yes, I think it was…” He pressed the buttons one by one so that the pressed in buttons formed a Z. The door slid open, revealing an old elevator. They went into the elevator and Dr. D pressed the down button.

Once they reached the bottom floor, the doors opened, and they stepped into a dark laboratory that smelled of chemicals and cleaning products. The smell was so overwhelming it made Mediocre Man’s eyes water.

Dr. D clapped his hands and the lights turned on, showing a room whose counters and desks had computers, chemistry beakers, and strange creatures in jars. Two metal robots that stood like sentinels, each wielding large blades, stood on each side of the room.

“The freezer is in the back,” Dr. D said. “That is where I placed the glutonium. But we’ll need an ice chest if we are to take them with us. It should be in here somewhere.”

As the trio walked around looking for the ice chest, the robots’ eyes turned red.

“Found it,” Mediocre Man said, pulling it out from underneath a desk. “It was—” Mediocre Man turned as the robots headed straight for him and Michael. “Guys, the robots activated!”

Michael spun around. “What the—” he pulled out his gun and shot at the robot coming towards him. It didn’t even get a dent.

Dr. D sat nearby the freezer door looking stunned. “That wasn’t supposed to happen. Unless…oh my.”

“Unless what?!” Mediocre Man said. He ducked as the other robot swung its sword in an attempt to chop his head off.

“I must have typed in the false password by mistake. The false password alerts the robots that I am being forced to reveal my lab against my will. I thought I entered the right code.”

Michael leapt over a counter just in time to avoid being sliced in half by the sentinel. “Call your robots off!”

“I will! As soon as I remember the deactivation code.”

Mediocre Man and Michael glanced at him. “You forgot?!”

Dr. D hesitated. “Perhaps. I have a lot of bases and a lot of robots. It can be tedious to remember all my passwords.”

Mediocre Man pressed his wristwatch and activated a blue sword. He used it to block the robot’s attack. “Well, you better remember fast, otherwise you’ll be charged with murder on top of all your other crimes!”

Michael pulled out a taser and shot it at the robot attacking him, electrocuting it. The robot halted, malfunctioning for a moment, but then pulled the taser’s wires with its open hand and yanked it out of his grasp. Michael took a few steps back. “Dang it!”

Mediocre Man parried his opponent’s blade, then used his rocket boots to fly over the robot. He stabbed it right in the back. The robot malfunctioned and took a few steps forward before collapsing onto the floor. Mediocre Man flew over to help Michael, who now had his back against the wall as the robot approached him. He was ready to plunge his sword into the robot’s back, when it suddenly turned around and deflected his attack.

The robot hit Mediocre Man’s blade so hard, it sent him tumbling onto the floor. Pain shot up his back and he let go of his blue sword, which dissipated. The room started to move, and he felt like he was on a ship at sea.

The robot took one stride towards him and lifted its blade.

Michael leapt onto the robot’s back and punched it as hard as he could. “Doctor, do something!”

Dr. D snapped his fingers. “That’s it! Jumping Jellybeans!”

Just as the robot was about to swing his sword down on him, the light in its eyes faded and its sword returned to its original spot.

Michael slid off the robot and helped Mediocre Man up. “Thanks. I thought I was a goner. You okay?”

Mediocre Man brushed himself off. “I’m fine. All in a day’s work.”

Dr. D twirled his mustache. “As you can see, I successfully deactivated the robots, and no one was hurt. My superior intellect has been demonstrated once more and…uh…” He stopped short as Mediocre Man and Michael glared at him. “I’ll go retrieve the sap.”

“Good,” Mediocre Man said. “Let’s hurry. I don’t want to be attacked by another sword-wielding robot made by a ‘superior intellect!’”

***

“And…done!” Dr. D closed the hatch to his Un-Paralyzing Ray. The trio were back at the storage unit, and Mediocre Man and Michael had watched as the scientist rebuilt his machine with the small ice chest of glutonium nearby. This time, it would heal people and it had no reverse switch. This was a first for the madman. “Now we must let it warm up for a moment.” He turned it on with the flick of a switch and the machine whirred. Lights on the control panel flickered from red to green one by one.

Michael looked at the ray and rubbed his chin. “I don’t get it. Paralysis isn’t usually something that can be cured instantly. How do you use that ray to reverse the effects of paralysis with one press of a button?”

Dr. D smiled. “It is quite impossible for mere doctors to cure. But an intelligent scientist, namely me, knows that when the glutonium comes into contact with a small electric charge, it can fix the person’s injuries which prevent the brain signals from reaching certain parts of the body. Of course, the only way the charged glutonium can be used to its full extent is when it has a focal point, hence the rod I built into my lovely ray.”

Michael nodded. “Well, I must give you some credit. That’s pretty amazing.”

Dr. D twirled his mustache. “Yes, indeed it is.”

“So, what happens if you were to increase the electric charge? Wouldn’t that improve the effectiveness?”

Dr. D shook his head. “On the contrary. I discovered that the larger the electric charge, the more damage the ray would cause. The larger electric charge is actually what made my Paralyzing Ray function. Why, an electric charge larger than that of the Paralyzing Ray could cause an explosion that rivals that of an atomic bomb.”

Mediocre Man stared at him. “If that’s true, how do we even know this is even safe to use on people?”

Dr. D scoffed. “Please, Mediocre Man, give me some credit. I’ve done extensive research on glutonium for several years. No one’s getting any side effects from this thing, and no one’s going to combust suddenly. I was very purposeful when creating my Paralyzing Ray.”

Michael looked at Dr. D. “But if you knew that glutonium could be used as a bomb, how come you didn’t just use it to blow up Nantucket City? You said you wanted revenge.”

Dr. D stared at Michael aghast and sputtered. “Blow up Nantucket City?! For revenge?! Are you insane?! What kind of villain do you take me for?!”

“One who paralyzed people for no reason other than being bullied in school,” Mediocre Man said.

“Exactly! There is a reason for my villainy! People bully me for being paralyzed, I paralyze them with my Paralyzing Ray. People taunt me for believing in Santa Clause, I send genetically modified reindeer to steal all their Christmas presents. People tease me for being an orphan, I jettison their parents into the vacuum of space where no one can hear them scream! There is a poetic justice to it all. Where’s the poetic justice in blowing up a city to smithereens?!”

Mediocre Man and Michael gave each other a look. Dr. D was a scientific genius, everyone knew that though they were not always willing to admit it. But it was moments like this that reminded Mediocre Man that at heart Dr. D was, in some respects, a lunatic. He seemed to think there was a reason to his madness. Problem was there was a madness to his reason.

“Let’s just test this ray out, alright?” Mediocre Man said.

“Gladly,” Dr. D said. “Who will do the honors of pressing the button that will restore my health?”

Michael was already at the ray’s controls. “I guess I’ll do it.”

Mediocre Man gave him a nod. “I’ll make sure he won’t try to make a break for it.”

Dr. D rolled his eyes. “You always think I’m so uncouth.” He wheeled himself in front of the ray. “Press the button Officer Michael.”

Michael pressed the button.

The machine whirred and a green beam of light zapped Dr. D. He took a breath. He looked down at his feet and moved one, then the other. His eyes widened. He lifted himself out of his wheelchair and took a couple of steps. A big grin spread across his face. “I am cured! At last! One of my dreams have finally become reality!” He ran around the room whooping and jumping like a child. “Do you see this? Watch this! I could be a track runner if I wanted to!” He ran and did jumping jacks and even cartwheels.

Mediocre Man never thought he’d see Dr. D so happy. That joy was strangely contagious, and he felt just a smidgen of happiness for him. Maybe this would convince Dr. D to abandon his evil ways.

Dr. D steepled his hands. “Now I shall be more physically able to take over the world!”

Mediocre Man’s joy vanished. “What?!” Dr. D laughed, and he saw that he was only messing with him.

“No need to fear, Mediocre Man. I shall fulfill my end of the bargain and allow all the disabled people to be zapped by my ingenious Un-Paralyzing Ray. I look forward to the day my scientific knowledge will be on full display for the rest of the world.”

Mediocre Man’s phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. “Hello?”

“Mediocre Man! You won’t believe what happened!”

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything’s wrong! Carlson never had a family emergency! I mean, he did, but not in the way you’d expect. His wife was held hostage! The SWAT team just rescued her. Carlson said he was told to back off Dr. D’s case or he’d regret it. We’re still trying to fill in the blanks. I mean, who’d threaten a parole officer over Dr. D? He doesn’t have family, and nobody likes him. Not even the inmates like him. It doesn’t make sense!”

Mediocre Man glared at Dr. D. “Okay, Dr. Dumbbell. Why did you threaten Officer Carlson and have his wife kidnapped?”

Dr. D looked at him like he was insane. “Kidnap his wife? Threaten him? I would never do a thing like that! I may be a villain, but I’ve got some decency.”

“Oh, come on! If not you, then who—?” Mediocre Man thought for a moment. Michael had said he was Carlson’s friend, but Chief Powell had never heard of him. “Wait a second…”

Clang!

Mediocre Man and Dr. D spun around. The storage unit doors were locked and Officer Michael and the glutonium were gone!

Mediocre Man and Dr. D ran for the doors and banged on them. “Let us out!”

Michael laughed on the other side. “It’s no use, Mediocre Man. You guys are stuck in there. Unless you want to die of asphyxiation, I suggest you relax.”

They both stopped banging on the doors.

Dr. D’s face became red. “What is the meaning of this?! I demand an explanation!”

“You’re not a parole officer at all, are you?” Mediocre man asked. “Who are you really?”

Michael chuckled. “The name’s Faraday.”

“My old nemesis!” Dr. D said.

“That’s right. I needed an excuse to watch you and figure out the secret energy source to your ray. So, I posed as a parole officer. I knew that whatever you made had to be worth a lot of money. Now I can sell this Glutonium sap and your scientific findings to other countries. Imagine all the money I’ll make once I tell potential buyers that they can make their own bombs with this substance.”

Dr. D’s face turned red. “You money-hungry tick! This could cause worldwide destruction! No amount of money is worth that!”

“Sorry, but business is business.”

Soon, there was a sound of an opening and closing car door. A car revved on and screeched down the road.

“We need to escape!” Dr. D said.

Mediocre Man took out his phone. “Did you get all that, Chief?”

“Affirmative. We’re on our way, but it’s a ten-minute drive.”

Dr. D huffed. “Oh, blast it all! We don’t have time!” He ran to one of the tubs and flung out multiple gadgets and gizmos. “No, no, oh, this might be useful,” he stuffed something in his pocket and kept digging into the tub. “Aha! Success!” He pulled out what looked like a blue water gun and came rushing back to the door. “And for my next trick I shall make these doors—” he pulled the trigger, and green acid spewed out, dissolving the metal doors into thin air. “—Disappear!”

 They ran out of the storage unit.

Mediocre Man pulled out his keys from his back pocket. “To the Mediocre Mobile!” He got in the driver’s seat as Dr. D got in the passenger seat. “Chief, we’re going after Faraday. I’ll send you our location shortly.” He hung up and pulled out of his parking space and made his way out of the storage area. He stopped at Bee Street, which went two ways. “Dang it, where did he go?”

“He’ll use the backroads to stay out of traffic,” Dr. D said.

“Then he’d go right until he’d make it to Bumble Street.” Mediocre Man turned the car right and went down the road. He tapped on his small screen and pressed a key, allowing the police to find his current location. “How do you know this guy, anyway?”

“Faraday is a criminal almost all villains hate. He’s known as the Tick. He likes to suck out and steal all evil scientist’s ideas and inventions and sell them in the black market.”

Mediocre Man turned on Bumble Street and sped down the dirt road. “So, he’s a thief. Kind of strange.”

“How so?”

“I mean, I’ve never had a normal criminal to deal with before. This has to be the first time I’ve tried to capture a villain who has a normal motive.”

Dr. D fumed. “And what, may I ask, is so abnormal about my villainous motives?”

“You’re kidding right? What isn’t abnormal about them? You sent people’s parents into space just because you were teased, for crying out loud. Remember?”

“Ah, yes.” A fond smile crossed Dr. D’s face. “That was the highlight of my career.”

Mediocre Man groaned. “You’re hopeless. Hey, I think I see him!” A police car came into view. “But how are we going to stop him.”

“Same way we got out of that storage unit.” Dr. D rolled down his window. “Keep the car steady.” He poked his head out and aimed his Acid Blaster at the wheels. “Get me closer!”

Mediocre Man sped up the car slightly.

“Almost there…Perfect!” Dr. D shot a stream of acid at the right back tire of the police car. The police car veered right, and eventually Faraday pulled over.

“Success!” Dr. D said. “No one can stop the great and ingenious mind of—”

“Close your window!”

“What?”

Mediocre Man yanked him back inside the car just as a bullet scraped the right mirror. He rolled up the right window. “He’s still got his gun.” More bullets hit the windshield but didn’t penetrate it. “We’re safe so long as we stay in the car.” He sped past Faraday’s police car and swerved around so that his car faced south.

“So what’s the plan now?” Dr. D asked.

Faraday stepped out of his car and shot more bullets at the Mediocre Mobile to no avail.

“I use the new car feature.” He pressed a blue button above his gear stick, and a round magnet on a pole ejected onto the roof of the vehicle. Mediocre Man turned a dial, and the magnet began to tremble.

Faraday still had the gun in his hands and seemed to be struggling. It was like an invisible force was trying to pull the gun away from him. He kept taking a few steps back, but was pulled forward, until, finally, he let go of the gun. The gun clanged onto the magnet.

“It worked!” Dr. D said.

And just in time too.

Four police cars came careening up the dirt road and surrounded Faraday. The officers leapt out of their vehicles and pointed their guns at him.

“Put your hands up!” Chief Powell shouted. “We’ve got you surrounded!”

Faraday scowled but put his hands up.

Mediocre Man and Dr. D lay back in their seats and sighed with relief. The Glutonia sap was safe, and Faraday wouldn’t be selling secrets that threatened to annihilate the planet.

***

Outside the Nantucket Hospital was a long line of people in wheelchairs waiting for their turn to be cured with the shot of the Un-Paralyzing Ray. Dr. D, with Officer Carlson and Mediocre Man nearby, was allowed to operate the machine. One by one, men, women, and even children got a chance to get out of their wheelchairs for the first time in months or years. Those cured would run around and do other things they weren’t able to do before.

Dr. D was actually happy to do the work. Perhaps in part because a news crew was there recording the spectacle and he got to talk to the news reporter about how his genius brain was able to make all the correct calculations to create such a life-changing machine.

Mediocre Man turned to Carlson. “All’s well that ends well, I guess.”

“Yep. Dr. D is actually helping society for once, paralysis patients are getting cured, and Faraday is in jail for theft. Life is good. You think maybe Dr. D will actually become a good guy?”

Mediocre had thought about that for a while. Dr. D had fixed a machine that cured some people and he had helped him catch Faraday. Maybe he did have a chance.

Dr. D stepped aside from his machine for a moment and went to Mediocre Man.

“Well, I must say, Mediocre Man, when you’re not busy trying to stop me, and I’m not busy trying to have robots or genetically modified reindeer shoot lasers at you, we make a decent team.”

Mediocre Man nodded. “I guess we do.”

“With that said…”

A woman screamed and pointed to the sky. “Aliens!”

Mediocre Man and Carlson looked up and gaped. In the sky was a big flying saucer!

The civilians screamed and shouted and ran away in a panic, fearful that they would be abducted.

But Mediocre Man knew that this flying saucer had no aliens. It was one of Dr. D’s old inventions!

A beam of light shot onto Dr. D and lifted him up into the air. He smiled, took his hand out of his pocket and waved a small remote to the people below. “Farewell my adoring fans! Farewell, Mediocre Man! Until we meet again!” Dr. D was sucked into the flying saucer, and within seconds, the UFO vanished into the clouds.

Carlson blinked. “How…?”

Mediocre Man grimaced. “He took that remote out of the storage unit.”

“What?”

“Before we chased after Faraday, he had stuffed something in his pocket. I was so focused on stopping Faraday I forgot all about it. That device must’ve been a remote to summon his aircraft.”

“Good grief! But he still has that tracker on, so you should manage to catch him again.”

Mediocre Man sighed. He activated his rocket boots and hovered into the air, prepared to chase after Dr. D. “Some things never change.”