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Stupid Stinky Gerbil

I am a beautiful and wonderful cat, No other animal compares to me. Everyone in my house knows that. It’s so clear to see. Other animals wish they were me. I am the queen of this kingdom And I vanquish all my foes, The rodents that used to trespass my domain Are all dead and gone, as everyone knows. And now what I say goes. I get all the attention I get all the catnip and treats I get all the pets and scratches I get all the best spots on cozy seats. I get everything, my life’s complete. But one day, while I dream away Laying in a warm sun spot An enemy invades my kingdom. I wake up and see what the humans brought. I am disgusted by what they bought. The humans call it an “adorable gerbil.” But it’s obviously a rodent, can’t you see? Rodents are our sworn enemy. What is this insanity? What have you humans done to me? Now those silly children who used to serve me Try playing Wordle with the stupid gerbil. Those children would be better off Playing Wordle with a silly turtle Not a stupid...
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My Cat Robbed a Bank

My cat robbed a bank last night, and it was all over the news.

I was sitting on my couch watching The Lord of the Rings when, at the corner of my eye, I saw my black feline, with a devious sparkle in his green eyes, go through the doggy door. I didn’t think anything of it. Although looking back, this sparkle was more devious than usual. Then I heard a loud screech of a car speeding past my house. I had assumed it was just a stupid person at the wheel.

When I awoke the next morning and flipped the TV to the local news, I saw a video of cats storming a bank and then throwing what the reporter said were catnip smoke bombs. The catnip smoke bombs clouded everyone’s vision, while the cats somehow opened the vault and stole the cash. The news also showed footage of the cats in my neighbor’s silver van driving crazily out of the bank’s parking lot and speeding through the streets, screeching as they made crazy turns. That must have been the screeching I heard last night. My black cat had his paws on the wheel! He was the getaway driver! He swerved past cars and ran through stop lights as police cars were in hot pursuit!

I guess that’s what I get for adopting a cat named Bandit.


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